Episode # 45: A Conversation About: Therapists Imposing Values on Clients
In this episode, the X-Podcast team reacts to and discusses a YouTube video by Jonathan Decker of Mended Light. Jonathan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and Clinical Director at his private practice, Mended Light. He also has a YouTube channel and the handle is @MendedLight. The name of his YouTube video episode that we will discuss today is $h^t Therapists Say: Imposing Personal Values on Clients In this video Jonathan discusses several incidents where therapists seemingly and improperly appeared to have imposed their personal values onto their clients during a therapy session. All of the stories he discusses, and that I discuss, we do with the permission and knowledge of the clients. The clients remain anonymous.
Listen to episode at https://blubrry.com/studio_talk_mental_health/
#TheXPodcast #MentalHealth #Counseling #Therapy #mendedlight #jonathandecker
I concur 100% with Jonathan’s points in his video. I am going to be reading the exact transcript from his YouTube Video. The transcript was clearly created by a bot, not a human, so it sometimes is a little unclear in terms of grammar making any sense. I do my best to interpret it as needed. However, I watched and listened to the entire video and I encourage you to do the same before making any comments, forming any opinions or drawing any conclusion.
Following is the transcript from his video. Here we go!
“Can therapists really be objective, or do their personal values sometimes get in the way? In this video, I share real-life examples of therapists crossing the line and what it looks like when they impose their beliefs on their clients. Have you ever had a therapist give you bad advice or make you feel unsafe? Share your story in the comments—I’d love to hear it!”
Can therapists truly be objective and what happens when we start imposing our personal values on our therapy clients?
Bad advice that clients have received from therapists and some counter advice.
We are talking about therapists who cross the line and impose their personal values on their clients.
Respecting for all women
Client story:
A client who is discussing going on dates with men and all of a sudden the therapist talks about how gross they thought trans women were. I wanted to find men who respected all women including trans women. My therapist said that and when I argued with her on why trans women are women she said " you think I'm a bigot if I don't want to date a woman and kept getting extremely defensive and making it a personal attack on her. She kept claiming that I think she should date the gender she's not attracted to or she's a bigot. After almost 5 years of her being my therapist I fired her.
Jonathan’s comments (paraphrased at times due to AI bot transcript’s lack of clarity):
Here's the thing, there's not really room in therapy for a therapist to get defensive because our values, our sexuality, our beliefs are not what we're there for. We're there to find paths for your life that are the most supportive for you that are going to yield the greatest chance for happiness for peace for whatever it is that you're there for. It's not a therapist's role to challenge you on what you believe.
We are if we're talking about beliefs that pertain to your mental health or your relationships but not your worldview type stuff right, not what you hold most most dear, not what's a core part of your identity. It would be as inappropriate for a therapist to say your beliefs on trans people and trans relationships and what you're looking for in a relationship are wrong as it would be for them to say hey you're stupid for being a member of X Y or Z religion.
It's not a therapist place and it's insulting because the fact is your sexual and gender identity are yours and you're saying “hey, this is what I'm looking for in a relationship and this is what I'm frustrated with”. I think the client made the right choice in firing that therapist. I don't necessarily think that a therapist would be a terrible therapist for everybody but definitely regarding this issue and this clients’ needs it’s not a fit.
That’s a polite way of saying it.
Being sexually active before marriage
Client story:
I had a therapist tell me at 17 that I'd be sexually active before marriage. I told her I made a decision to not and she said “we'll see” and rolled her eyes. I never went back.
Jonathan’s comments (paraphrased at times due to AI bot transcript’s lack of clarity):
Again, all people have what they value, what they believe and what they want to do with their life. This person says “I'm waiting for marriage to have sex”. The role of the therapist is not to say “well that's not what I believe, that's not my value, that's not what I did so I think you're being irrational and silly”.
Because what works for one person doesn't work for another and vice versa. The role of the therapist is to say “that's what you want, let's talk about how to meet that need in a healthy and supportive way and if along the way you decide to reassess and re-evaluate. I'm here for that but I want to support you in pursuing the life that you want.
This type of stuff just rubs me the wrong way.
Lesbian Couple and Religion
Jonathan tells the story of a lesbian couple and their therapists. (paraphrased at times due to AI bot transcript’s lack of clarity):
When I was in graduate school I once met with a lesbian couple and I shared this story with their permission. This lesbian couple, one of them was devoutly religious and raised in a traditional religion and they were looking for couples therapy and
part of their struggle was the strain of family pressure but also deeply held religious beliefs in the individual. The partner was saying “I love you, we're great, it's fine I want to be with you”.
So they went to one therapist and that therapist said “well the problem is that you are living in sin by having this homosexual relationship that's why you're unhappy that's why your relationship isn't working. You should split up and turn back to God”. You know, you hear that and it makes you angry.
Justifiably so. They go to another therapist and that therapist said “well the problem is your oppressive religion. You should just stop going to that church”.
The issue is that neither therapist was appropriate. And honestly, on a professional level, that's equally offensive. I say that on a professional level because a therapist has no right saying the words “you should” to a person.
A therapist has no business saying “okay, you're wrestling because you've got two core parts of your identity that are at odds with each other and I'm going to tell you which one to choose based on what I believe and what I value”. That's not what we're supposed to do. That's not what we're here to do.
That's equally messed up. An extremely smug and condescending thing to do. Definitely look for a therapist who is upfront about their beliefs, their values, their world views but also says “but I'm not here for that, I'm here for you.
Or who plays those things close to the chest if they feel it's not part of therapy in the first place.
If I can think of a verse that might be helpful and supportive in helping them through this then I say “how comfortable do you feel with me bringing that up” but that's if it's a commonality. If it's not a commonality then I'm imposing a personal value or belief into therapy and I'm using a position of authority to do so and that's just inappropriate.
The transcript for this video is longer and you can read the rest of it at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhjISBTmPlo
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